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Two Questions For Self-Discovery

Posted by Dr. Ellen Kreidman on

To be true to yourself is to be in a state of grace. To find out if you are being true to yourself, ask yourself these two important questions:

1) If I weren't getting paid for what I'm doing, would I continue to do it?

If the answer is yes, you are doing what you want to do. The truth is, I would teach this class for free, and sometimes have, because I believe in it and love what I'm doing.

2) If I only had one year to live, would I continue to do what I'm doing?

If the answer is no, then why don't you stop? You could die within the next year, and you would have wasted your last year doing something you didn't want to do.

One evening after class a new student came up and asked if she could talk to me for a few minutes. She confided that she was on the verge of divorcing her husband. She told me he was impossible to please.

"He's always made fun of me for being what he calls an 'artsy-craftsy' person, so recently I enrolled in a class to learn how to become a travel agent. Now, he complains about all the homework I have to do, and what a low-paying profession I've picked."

I asked Paula what she wanted to do. She said she wanted to please her husband.

"Nothing you do will please your husband," I told her. "Why not think about pleasing yourself?"

I asked her the two important questions. If she only had a year to live, would she want to be a travel agent? If she couldn't get paid to do it, would she want to be a travel agent?

Paula looked shocked and said of course not. If she had only a year to live, she would want to spend it painting and making handcrafts.

I invited Paula to accompany me to a highly successful arts and crafts center in our area, and asked if she might like to own something like this someday? She rolled her eyes and said if she could own a shop like that, she would think that she had died and gone to heaven. The last I heard, Paula was taking classes at the local community college on how to start and run your own business.

Since I started Light His Fire, I have heard so many women say, "I gave up everything for that man. I did everything I could to please him, and he left me." Of course the men left! When you give up everything , you give up yourself. Nobody wants to be with a sponge or a parasite, or even worse, a "nothing. "When you give up you, you cease to exist.

I remember two men in particular who ended up leaving women who contributed little or nothing to the relationship. One of them, John, told me that he eventually left his wife, Kelly, just so she could have the opportunity to discover who she was.

In John's words, "She had become a total bore. If I asked her to tell me about her day, she would just say that nothing interesting had happened."

Who are you?

In order to be happy, we have to know ourselves – to know what it is that we really enjoy doing. I believe we all begin life knowing who we are and what makes us happy, but we leave our true selves behind in an effort to please the meaningful adults in our lives. As [...]

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Fill up your love cup!

During the past ten years, I have collected ideas from women about ways that they fill up their love cups. Maybe some of these ideas will help you take better care of yourself.Hire a housekeeper to come in every week, or every other week.Hire a baby-sitter for a few hours each day or each week.Schedule a [...]

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Please don’t leave your personal lives to luck or chance!

You wouldn’t do that with your career. If someone gave you an easy step-by-step program showing you exactly how to achieve success and wealth in your professional life, would you follow it? Of course you would. I’m giving you the same chance in your personal life. Based on all the years of teaching men [...]

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No Sign of Life

One year after the course for women, the first men’s class was ready to begin. As the men came into the class, I sensed an uncomfortable feeling permeating the room. I tried to make small talk while we waited for everyone to arrive, but none of them were receptive, thirty-five men, all cool and aloof, [...]

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What About Us?

I had been teaching my Light His Fire course for women for several years before I finally decided to organize a class for men. My initial reason for the men’s class was to satisfy all those women who asked, “Don’t you have a course for men?” or “How do you expect me to take this class [...]

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Be true to yourself!

Respect yourself. Commit yourself to the belief that you are the most important person in the world. If you don’t have self-respect, chances are no one else will respect you either. Self-respect comes from being true to yourself, from feeling good about who you are. It comes from letting other people know how you truly [...]

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Speak Your Truth

Many women don’t confront their mates because they’re afraid of driving them away. These women don’t want to “make waves.” They believe peace and harmony are insurance against the threat of being abandoned by their mates. Interviews with men reveal quite the opposite, however. They say there is nothing worse than being on a date [...]

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King for a Day

1. Send him on a “Love Hunt.” This is like an old-fashioned treasure hunt, where further instructions are waiting at each destination. If you are very clever, you can make the instructions cryptic, so that it takes some imagination to decipher the clues.2. Have a note delivered to your mate explaining the rules, and telling [...]

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Romance is an Acquired Skill

Romance is an acquired skill that has to be taught. Although falling in love might just happen, having a loving relationship does not. Having a loving relationship requires nurturing; and it requires skill and knowledge. You can either lead by “telling” or you can lead by “showing”. In my opinion, leading by example is the [...]

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